Dear Moody Blue,
I just feel so darn bad for you. I feel like hugging you really hard and sitting down and having a real heart to heart. So that you could unburden your soul.
One observation, it doesn't sound to me like you are confused about your doubts and feelings. It sounds like you are very concerned and confused about what the results will be if you act out on them.
And you know what? No one can predict what will happen.
I have found that since I stopped doing all the stuff you're expected to do when you are a JW, that I have so much more time to really think about the important things. One of the things my counselor kept asking me was "are you taking care of yourself". This was every week for a long time. I used to get so frustrated, because I didn't know what she meant. What it really boiled down to was, having time to truly take care of myself. Having time to think. Having time to pamper my intellect. This is something the Society robs you of. IMHO, this is on purpose, so that you don't have time to nurture those doubts, that I'll bet every single JW has. It would be dangerous to them to allow people that kind of freedom. It means they could lose someone. And that is just not acceptable to them.
I have had problems with debilitating depression for years. You know what I think? I think it had everything to do with my abusive husband (who by the way was an active witness), and the control the religion has had over me. I haven't been to a KH for a year and a half, and guess what? No depression. Now I am not saying that not going to KH would cure your depression. But making a decision that is right for you would lessen your stress level, which definitely does not help depression. I am also not saying that if the consequences of you acting on your doubts caused you and your husband to part that that wouldn't be stressful and hard to deal with too.
But I think right now what is really tearing you apart is not knowing what is going to happen. I know it would scare me terribly. But you can only know the results if you pursue whatever it is. You can't live your whole life in a miserable situation just because you don't know what will happen if you quit.
The only thing is, you must be sure this is what you really think. Please don't go through all of this and then change your mind later. Make sure your doubts are real. Make sure you have educated yourself enough about the WT teaching to know for yourself whether they are right or wrong. Then make your decision.
TW
